On Saturday I went and visited my Aunt's grave, the first time I've visited since she died. I kept putting it off mostly because I didn't know if I was ready. It went well, mostly because Alex was with me, I'm more emotional if I'm by myself. If I'm around people I'll usually hold it in so that no one will see me cry. I did cry though.
Not that it was my decision or choice but she's not buried in the ground, she's in one of those walls, which I don't like. The day of her funeral I really hated it I kept thinking..how fucked up they are putting her in a little square on a wall with about 100 other people. I guess it's cheaper that way and that's why my uncle did it that way. I would have much preffered the ground, because then I could sit there and talk to her versus staring up a wall because she's high up..it's not even at eye level. But hey, what can I do.
Another thing that bothered me was that it was closed casket..so I didn't get to see her one last time so it sort of made the whole situation more unreal, like if it wasn't really her in there..i wanted so bad to lift up the lid and see her just to make sure it was real.
But then i think..maybe that's the way she wanted it.
Personally, I want to be cremated and just thrown to the ocean or something..
